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lol...I go back sometimes and read my journal entries. I suppose on this last one , I was feeling a wee bit dramatic. I was in a pretty depressed mood. Also I suppose that all that port wine I had before I started didn't help. So where do I go from here? I am a little infatuated with someone...but not to the degree I let on in earlier journals.... If I let myself, I could become infatuated with quite a few of you. I was ever the foolhearted one where my heart is envolved....I do have times when I feel invisible, but doesn't everyone? Sometimes...I relish the thought of invisibility...other times, I wallow in the misery of it. A bright spot on the horizon...one of my friends read the previous journal and assures me I am not invisible...LOL it was so sweet of him. I have found more friends and kindred souls since I have joined this site...it truly is an addiction.

For years I have scoffed at those who would proclaim thier love for one they met via the internet. I thought it a foolish practice with too much chance of trickery envolved. I have ever been the old fasioned one, consumed with the idea of traditional Meetings and relationships. I was always such a sceptic....

Now, to my chagrin, I find myself infatuated withsomeone on this site. My better sense tells me that his kind words are not reserved only for me... and still I am falling... perilously so. My dreams are filled with his visage and his words- aye- both sleeping and awake. My nightly visions are filled whith what I imagine to be his soft caresses. My better sense tells me to just let it go, because the dream I have concocted in my head is impossible for anyone to live up to.

And yet, every conversation we have ... he already knowswhat to say. Already knows just what I will say. With every word, I find myself falling deeper and deeper into this pit of infatuation. It's almost like there ae two sides of me fighting over this feeling... There is Miss Practicle/Senseible, who believes there is no earthly way any man could ever say anything nice or sweet or kind to me and mean it or if they do, they have some private agenda to satisfy.... Then there is the dreamer....the one who wishes it all was real and someone would come and sweep me off my feet.

The problem is, there is no happy medium for me. When Practicle/ Sensible gets started, my heart dies, piece by piece. and I wonder why I ever allowed myself the luxury of a dream.

I must admit that this site has been good for my self esteem...that is if I allow myself to believe what is said of my portfolio. But truly, when I look into the mirror, I see a hideous creature, incapable of being loved. My only solace is that noone reads this. I can vent in public and noone will ever know. It's almost like being invisible. Noone really cares what I have to say.

What is sad is that I see so manyon this site who feel the same about themselves as I do... but they are beautiful inside and more likely than on the outside as well. Only they don't know because noone ever bothers to tell them. I have made a resolution,.... I will always let people know of thier inner and outer beauty and that what they say is heard and apreciated.

I must say to those who created this site, " BRAVO" I finally feel like I belong somewhere. After 34 years, it's a wonderful feeling.

So now it starts... My mother has had custody of my children for some number of yeas now. I was convinced that she could give them a better life, but I'm finding out that that idea is total bullshit. She can give them stuff...but she's messing up their heads. My daughter called me in tears because she just couldn't take it any more. She's the responsible one...I have to try to get some sort of legal aid. i have no money for a lawyer.